Hey, Mommy, what's this?

My son just came up to me, asked that question, and wiped what I'm pretty sure was snot onto my hand. Its going to be one of those days...

Update

Thanks, all of you, for your comments and messages. I appreciate it a lot.

The kids and I are back with my family for a while. We're going home to RS around the 16th, and hopefully having this time apart will have done some good for both of us. I know God has a hand in all of this, and cares what happens with our marriage. I know that He supports both of us in ways that we will never fully realize. It would be nice if He'd let us in on His plans every now and then, but just knowing that He has a plan for us is enough right now.

I'm studying Moral Theology right now. I'm not sure if I mentioned that before. The class is really good, and very hard. Its not just hard because it requires more reading and writing than any class I've taken, but it because its spiritually challenging material.

I wish I wasn't in class right now. It just feels like a whole lot of stress I don't need. But I think that I need this class. I think God is trying to reach me through my teacher and through my materials. Our class has been dealing with a lot of difficult questions. Things like "What is the meaning of suffering?" and "Why is there evil?" and "What is happiness?" That last question is the most important one, I think, and one that people, particularly today have completely misunderstood. The ancient philosophers before Christ (Plato, Aristotle, etc.), the early Christians, and the Church for 1,000 years believed that happiness meant living according to how we were created to be. Lots of emphasis on developing virtue and a strong character, because that is how we fulfill our vocation as human beings. In the 14th century, a philosopher came around and changed that. He wrote about morality as simply following arbitrary laws of God, and not tied to happiness at all. We're good because we have to be because if we don't, we'll go to Hell. Needless to say, that thinking has been disastrous, not only for the Church, but for society in general. Having morality separated from happiness is why we can have people say today that doing whatever they want, be it drug abuse, adultery, pornography, or shopping, is what a person needs to be happy. That doesn't really work, though. The most miserably unhappy people I've ever seen are those that indulge their worst vices. Its like putting sugar in a car's engine. If something is working against its design, its going to suffer or self-destruct.

I am not happy. There. I said it. Much as I would like to blame others, like RS who asked me for an indefinite separation last week, I know that its because inside I have let myself become hard. Cynical. Selfish. I want things that I can't have - things not as necessary for my happiness (in the truest sense of the word) as I want to admit - and not having what I want has made me resentful. This class has shown me what the problem is. I know the root of all of this. Its not indulging in some external vice, though that would be easier. Its my whole current attitude. But I can't let go and do what I need to do to work according to how I'm created. How God wants me to be. What I need to do in order to be happy.

I know the truth, but I just can't seem to accept it.